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          My phone’s alarm buzzed. 5:45 am. What nutjob set the alarm for the ungodly….oh yeah, that would be me.  This morning I am going to force myself to get out of bed and go to the 6:00 class Step and Pump at Newport Sports Club.  “A combination of barbells, free weights and aerobic step form a complete body workout”. It sounded a lot better last night when I had set the alarm, this morning it just sounds…bleh.  How easy would it be to turn off the alarm and stay under the warm covers? No one would know, no one would care and I would get an extra hour’s sleep that I really think I deserved. But alas, I would know. I had committed to go and by golly I was strong enough to drag my butt out of this cozy bed… in 5 more minutes.
           
           Braving the freezing temperatures, I got in my car and drove the 1 1/2 miles to the gym. Aside from the instructor, Becky, I was the first one to arrive.  Apparently everyone else has trouble getting up this early too.  The other ladies straggled in a few minutes after the class had started. Some of them I recognized from other fitness classes and some of them professed to be new at this whole exercise thing. Been there, done that.

        We started with a brief warmup to get blood flowing and muscles loose. Ok, I could do this, nothing too hard. Then Becky decided that we must not need our legs today, because she went into a never ending torturous squat and lunge set on the right side. I hate squats  The only thing I hate more than squats are lunges.  3 hours passed, ok so maybe not.  But it honestly felt like it.  My right leg was cooking from inside.  They aren’t joking when they say “Feel the burn”.  I really REALLY did not want to do the rest of this set, let alone the left side.  What were my options? Like all fitness classes there are modifications you can do if a move is too difficult.  I could lower the weight. I saw one or two ladies switching from 20 lbs down to 15. I could take a rest and march in place. Or I could go home. But did I really need to?  I had to take an honest look at my body and how I was feeling. Was I injured? No, just sore. Was I having trouble breathing? No more than anyone else during exercise. So why did I want to quit? Because it was hard, that’s why. It felt uncomfortable and I just didn’t want to do it.  I wanted to leave early and go back to bed.  That wasn’t a good enough reason to quit anymore.  If I left I would be saying that not only do I hate squats, but that I didn’t believe I could finish the hour long class. That I wasn’t strong enough. No way. I had hiked for 11 hours on Lone Peak, so I knew I could do 1 measly little hour.

          With the decision to finish made, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  And not just because  we had put the barbell down. I knew with a certainty that I would find a way to fight through and finish this class, even if I had to go a little slower than everyone else. I was feeling pretty darned proud of myself as I picked up the weights for the next set when in the mirror I caught a flash of movement.  It was one of the newbies, packing up her step and putting away her weights. I don’t know if it was exhaustion or pure emotion, but she looked utterly dejected.  I’m sure she had planned on slipping out of class without calling attention to herself. The instructor had other plans.
            “Hey where are you going? It’s too early to have someplace else to be” Becky joked into the sound system headset mic.
            “This is just way too hard for me.”
            “That’s okay, just go a little slower, take a break and then try again.” Becky encouraged.
            “No, I think I just need to work up to this on my own for awhile before I come back.”
       
           I think everyone in the room knew she would not be back. Becky protested again but the woman just raised a hand and walked out of the classroom, out of the gym, got in her car, and drove away.  I wanted to run after her and shake her. To tell her all about how important it was to finish what you start. To tell her what I’d learned, what I tell myself everyday, You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t even have to do it well at first, just finish. Because when you quit something you are saying “I’m not good enough”. But when you finish you build a sense of accomplishment and trust in yourself that you can hold on to when things get hard.

          But I didn’t say any of those things. I finished my workout and went home and wrote this post because I could not get that woman out of my head. She probably went home and beat herself up about how she wasn’t good enough. Then she probably started beating herself up about all the things that she isn’t good enough, smart enough, or thin enough for.

        How arrogant of me to suppose what she is thinking, right? Maybe. I only venture a guess because I was her.  For years and years I would get stuck in that cycle of quitting and shame spirals and ice cream binge eating.  That’s why I write this blog, why I have a goal to write a book. Why I face the wrath of Caleb Warnock at American Fork Art Council Writing Workshop every week. Because I know what it’s like to pray that God has an exchange policy. To wish you could send yourself in for warranty work and come back better, thinner, smarter, stronger. To look in the mirror and hate what you see, not only on the outside, but everything about you.
       
         But I don’t anymore, well most of the time. And so I’m trying to figure out a way to help others find their way back to the mirror without cringing. Hopefully I can find a way to do that without sounding like Tony  Robbins or a new Church member on a mission to convert the world, lost in their zealousy. So I write one blog, one page, one story at a time. It’s hard, and sometimes I want to quit. I tell myself that nobody gives a hoot about what I’ve done, that nobody would want to read anything I write. Then I say, shhhh. It doesn’t matter. I can only control what I put out into the world and make it my best. Makes no difference whether it’s New York Times bestseller material, or something only my family will ever read. Only thing that matters is that I finish.

So in class today I got a rousing round of applause for the article in the paper. I also got a round of applause for a short essay Caleb had me write. It was like the 5 minute version of what I wanted my book to be. He thinks I might just have a book after all. Next week’s assignment is to bring in a revised outline without all the self help crap. Just stories about the things I learned.

Now for chapter one.  How this for a title You’ll know you’ve hit the bottom when you hear the Thud

          Hopefully you’ve had a little practice working on your inner dialogue.  You know, the one where you tell yourself how awesome you are, and that you can do anything.  Because if your inner voice is a positive one, it’s a little easier to tune out the negative ones coming from the outside. You know that ones I’m talking about.  Some are well meaning friends and some are just mean. period.

           As I started losing weight and training for a marathon, everyone and their dog seemed to have an opinion on how I was progressing and what I should do.  About half were really supportive.

“Wow, you look amazing. What are you doing? Keep it up!”

The other half ranged from semi supportive, to downright rude.  Here are some of the little tidbits I’ve collected from friends, family, and strangers.

“Are you crazy? You do know how long a marathon is right?”
“Aren’t you gonna need knee replacements, you know cuz of the extra weight and pressure from running?”
“So.. a marathon.. that’s great… Is the registration fee refundable?”
“Whatever you do, don’t throw out your fat clothes. Because it will be really expensive to buy them all again when you get bigger next time.”

     That last one was a personal favorite.  By the time this loved one (whom will remain nameless) said that to me, I already had some good self-confidence brewing.  So I went straight home and boxed up all my clothes that were too big now, yes even my beloved cashmere XXL sweater.

     Just because you’ve analyzed your past mistakes and moved past them, doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t remember all your faults in 3D. It may take them some time to realize that you have changed. In the meantime, surround yourself with people who do support you and have only positive things to say about you. And when someone you love doubts you, just remember that they aren’t the ones making the decisions. You are.  Only you can determine whether you quit or succeed. They just haven’t been enlightened yet.

Until next time, if someone says something negative, just tell your inner cheerleader to yell louder.
 “Never give up!”

Just wanted to share an article written for the local paper, The Daily Herald, about my story. Thanks Chris Dalley for a great piece.

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/north/alpine/article_cd5211ef-9f2f-5039-b03f-0185e1f78fc1.html

The title says it all. Chris Dalley, newspaper lady extraordinaire, told me my article would be in the paper today. So I went to a newsstand to pick one up and who was staring back at me? Me! My picture was on the front page.  Holy smokes! Does it get any cooler?

Here’s a link to the article.  Very cool. So should I get her a fruit basket or flowers or something?

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/north/alpine/article_cd5211ef-9f2f-5039-b03f-0185e1f78fc1.html

    I have a confession to make.  I hear voices in my head. If you’re honest with yourself, you probably do too. I hear the voices of all my past failures, telling me I’m not good enough, that I’ll never make it, that I should give up.  Do you have them too? I’d put odds that yours sounds a lot like mine probably. Does your mental bully tell you that you’re not as good as so and so? Or that you are mediocre or average at best.  Well, right now I want you to tell that little voice to SHUT UP!! Ahh blessed quiet.  Oh wait, in the distance can you hear a much fainter voice saying “You can be more.” Ok I want you to make friends with that little voice, it’s your new best friend.

    I know someone who says he is blessed with a little inner voice that doesn’t beat him down. Instead it says, “Get the hell out of my way”.  His name is Caleb Warnock. He’s a best selling author, professor, editor, mentor, and acts like a cattle prod for all struggling writers that are in his group. I would venture that one of the reasons he is so accomplished is that he doesn’t have a voice that holds him back, but one that propels him forward.  My point is that while not all of us may be blessed with a mental voice that cheers for us, if you want to be happy and successful you need to make yourself one.

Has anyone ever seen the Stuart Smalley skits from the old Saturday night live? Where he stands in front of the mirror in the ugliest sweater ever and says “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and goshdarnit, people like me.”  It’s hilarious, but it’s also true.  If you want to change your inner dialogue you need to first hear it from your own mouth. It sounds hokey I know.  When I tried it I felt like a total a$$. But trust me, you need to hear yourself say something positive about you and your goals.  Please do not quote Stuart.  Your own “daily affirmation” needs to be personal and something you would say.  It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I would say to myself “You are awesome. You can do anything. You never quit.”  After a while it wasn’t so forced. Then I could say to myself anywhere, in the middle of a run, a restaurant, or somewhere I needed strength, “I am awesome, I can do anything, I never quit.”

Before every yoga practice I would tell myself “I am a fuel efficient furnace”, and I will swear that this little phrase helped me to not be paranoid about every little thing I put in my mouth, or about the speed of my metabolism. The only person who should hear it is you.  So don’t feel self conscious or say this is dumb.  That’s the voice we are trying to silence. No one else is making you feel stupid right now, just your own doubts and insecurities. It’s just you and the little angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other. Flick the devil off and start telling yourself how great you are.  I promise that after a while, you’ll even start to believe it.

So I brought my first chapter to class. Did not go really well. Apparently I am funny but trying way to hard to come up with things to say. I keep thinking that just sharing my experiences isn’t enough.  That I need more, like expert commentary.  The response to that was “You are not some inspirational Self-help Guru like Tony Robbins. Be you and write the story only you can write.”

So I shed a few tears. It’s really hard sometimes to have someone rip (literally) your work to shreds. But it will help me get better I am sure. I really hope so anyway.

On a side note, there’s a really awesome lady in the class that works for the newspaper and she is going to write a story on me and my new finishing habit. I’ll keep you posted

      I’m not a nutritionist, so I’m not going to try to sound like I know all the science behind food and how we process it because I don’t.  Instead I just want to share a few things I learned while fine tuning the foods I choose throughout the day. Today’s tips are on carbs.

        I’ve done no carb diets, low carb diets, and eat every carb I see ( guess what happened on that one) diets. Depending on the current fad trends, carbohydrates have been unfairly cast as the bad guy.  Like most everything else in life the answer is someplace in the middle.  Carbohydrates in itself aren’t evil, which ones you pick and how you eat them can be. I’ve said previously that carbs and fats react chemically to each other, so it is generally not a good idea to indulge in both heavily.  That said, carbohydrates serve a very important function, your body’s favorite fuel.  One of the reasons Low carb diets are so successful in short term weight loss is because when the body is deprived of its favorite fuel it goes next to fats.  But a low carb diet doesn’t work long term especially if you have any athletic aspirations.  Most athletes, runners, trainers, etc. will tell you that if you want to have energy, your body need to have carbs.  How much energy you use and need should determine how many carbs you eat and when. Carbs can be most efficiently used after a workout. They go to your glycogen stores as fuel for next time.

       If you are an elite athlete you will probably carboload pastas and breads both before and after a race or extreme workout.  Here’s a hint… you are probably not an elite athlete.  Your body probably doesn’t need to completely refuel.  Figure out what you’ve burned and how many calories you “earned” (remember your budget) and use that as a guide of how much you should have.  I made this mistake when I first started running. First I was finishing the HCG protocol and having no carbs, but then decided “I’m a runner, I need lots of carbs.”  BZZZZ wrong again Betsy. Just because I was running didn’t mean my body had magically changed into a metabolic wonder.  I still had to abide by my calorie budget and fit in the carbohydrates and the calories they contained.

   I found what really works for me for energy and weight management is the 50/25/25 diet. That’s where 50% of your calories come from carbs, 25% from protein, and 25% from fat.  Does that sound like too much math?  It’s not really that bad once you figure out a few things.  One gram of carbs is 4 cal. One gram of Protein is 4 cal. One gram of fat is 9 calories. So if I had a daily budget of 1800 calories, then 50% of those should come from carbs or 900 calories. 900 divided by 4 is 225. So I should have 225 grams of carbohydrates a day.  If you are not exercising you might need less, or if you are training really hard you might need more.  Let your weight and your energy level be your guide.

   As far as which carbs to eat, that’s up to you. As always I recommend moderation. I like whole grains, but sometimes I want sugar.  Sugary snack are often packed with fat. So when I have these treats, they are usually small and under 100 calories.  Try to pick the better option if it’s available; long grain rice, whole wheat, black beans.  But if you are having dinner somewhere that has a white roll and that’s it, (Texas Roadhouse, yumm) then no big deal.  The biggest thing is to accurately chart how many calories you spent and stay on budget and you’ll be fine.

   A word of caution about water weight. Water weight is not fat.  Carbohydrates can have the effect of making your body retain water.  Double edged sword. Means if you suddenly cut carbs you can lose 5 lbs or more of water weight very quickly, like 2 or 3 days. But is that really meaningful weight loss?  No it was just water, and water is not fat so we didn’t get any skinnier. The other side of the coin is that when eating carbs for enregy we sometimes get the water storage that goes along with it.  Don’t flip out if you are up a pound or 2 after a heavy carb meal or day.  It’s just water, not fat, so you didn’t really get bigger. Just calm down and drink lots of water and the water weight will take care of itself.

Here are a few hints:

• A lot of carbs at once is usually hard to process unless you are storing energy after a long owrkout (3 hours or so long)
• For energy before a workout try a small snack of simple carbs (fruit or chocolate) for a quick burst of energy
• If you have been without carbs for a while from dieting, ease back into them slowly. Reintroduce them one at a time so your body can readjust how it burns fuel
• Think if you really need them. Do you really need that big stack of crackers mushed up in your chili? Or are you just used to doing so? Does it taste better with em or can you live without.
• In moderation, one roll is sufficient 
• If you have a lot of carbs in one meal, go low in the next

Make sure you read The Plan Part 1 & 2 first!

       My friends and family would giggle uncontrollably at the thought of me in an apron cooking a healthy meal, with lean proteins and veggies. Let’s just say I’ve almost mastered making Ramen.  So changing my lifestyle to include fresh healthy organic meals cooked from raw was just not gonna happen.  Don’t get me wrong, if that’s something you enjoy and have the time and money to spend on it, go right ahead.  I just knew that wasn’t a change I could stick to and live with.  So I needed to figure out a way to eat that fit with my lifestyle and didn’t make fat. Sounds impossible right? Nope, all it takes is a little common sense and a little balance.

       The first thing you need to know is that like most of us, your body lives on a budget.  Your body works super hard every day to earn caloric credit. Everything it does, even sleeping, earns you “spending money”. You are spending your calories with everything you put in your mouth.  So think about it for a minute.  Are you spending calories faster than your body can earn them?  I did and that’s why I got fat. Repeatedly. (Also how i racked up credit card debt, but that’s a whole different blog)

      You basically have three choices on how to run your budget based on your goal

Gain: If you run your budget like the government does, you take on weight like the nation takes on debt.  Now you probably won’t hit the 14 trillion mark, but your caloric spending will inflate your fat. Gaining weight and debt  is the simple result of spending more calories than you’ve earned.  Our nation’s solution is to increase revenue (taxes), or slash the budget. For you that translates into Move more or Eat less.  Or both.

Lose:  Hopefully, if you are in debt, any extra money you earn is going to pay down your creditors. Same principle to lose weight. If you are losing weight that means you are continually earning more calories than you are spending.  That surplus of caloric credit gets applied to your debt, your fat stores. Just like with money this is generally a slow and steady process that is reliable.  As opposed to a lump sum payoff, or crash diet.

Balance:  Once your debt is paid off and your fat stores are diminished, you can run a balanced budget.  Fiscally you would then try to save your money for a rainy day.  Your body can do that very short term..  Suppose you know you are going to a party tomorrow.  You might want to eat less today to save your caloric spending for tomorrow.  However, in the long term if you are continually “saving” your calories in a high enough amount your body will go into starvation mode and lower your metabolism, causing you to earn less calories even though your doing the same thing.  So for the most part you want to spend around the same amount you earn.

   The first step in any budget is to figure out what your cash flow situation is.  How many calories are you earning just by being alive? That’s you Base Metabolic Rate or BMR  I suggest using this calculator to figure it out http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/   Super easy. Then you add in how much you earn through activity. There are countless apps and website that can calculate that for you.  I like My Fitness Pal personally, but there are plenty of choices. Add that to your BMR and voila you have your daily income.  It’s wise to note that this is an estimate yours may vary up or down. You can adjust it based on your body’s reactions to your plan.

    Now that you know your income, figure out how much to spend. Most experts agree that the healthiest and safest weight loss is an average of 1-2 lbs a week.  A pound is 3500 calories. So to lose 1 lb a week you need to be spending 500 calories less than your income for the day.  You can do that but cutting your food intake or upping your exercise.  I recommend doing both at once so you are not overtaxing your body or starving.  It’s worthy to note that for women, most doctors don’t recommend dipping under a 1200 calorie diet.
             
   What you spend your calories on is up to you. Play with it, experiment.  Your body is unique, remember? See how you react to carbs, dairy, or fats.  Everyone will process them differently.  General guide is fats and carbs do not mix.  So if you are eating a high carb meal like pasta, limit the sauce.  Bread? Use less butter.

   The rest is all common sense and simple math.  Spend wisely. If you have budgeted 200 calories for a snack you can either have one cookie or an apple, granola, and yogurt parfait.  Do you want to fill you tummy or satisfy your craving?  On some days you will really want that cookie even though it means less food. Go for it!   As long as you have budgeted correctly, your diet won’t suffer.  One of two things will happen. You will either be completely satisfied with the yummiest cookie ever, or, you will quickly learn that most of the time eating junk is not worth the calories they cost. No wrong answer.

   I personally learned that I liked eating more lower calorie small meals throughout the day as opposed to the few days I tried spending my whole caloric income on, let’s just say hypothetically, a bin of Ben and Jerry’s Pumpkin cheesecake. (I won’t lie, at the time it was totally worth  it.)  As long as you are happy, and balance your daily budget, you will stick to it and be successful no matter what foods you choose.  
 
On Monday’s blog I will give some helpful hints and common pitfalls in choosing which foods to eat.

   If you haven’t done so already, read The Plan Part 1.

   Discovering that I had never had a weight loss problem, but instead had a weight gain problem, was a turning point in both my attitude and my behavior.  I had mastered the art of weight loss and proved that I could lose weight again.  This time I would figure out how NOT to gain weight. If only I could do that, then I was sure the remaining pounds would fall into place, or more accurately off my butt.

   So I went to the library, the bookstore, the internet and my doctor.  Anywhere that might have “reliable” information. (please, for your own sanity, do not Google weight loss). What I found was not a surprise, because I had been hearing it all my life.

  Eat less, Move more

    There’s no way around it people. If you do not want to gain weight you need to use the fuel, (calories) you consume.   And how does your body use fuel? By moving.  Unused fuel turns to fat. So what you take in, you have to expend out.

  There were many misteps along the way. I’m sure I will use them as Blog Fodder in later posts. Long story short after much trial and error I learned a beautiful and simple truth. The only way change your life is if you not only enjoy the results from your change (ie weight loss, toned body, better mood), but enjoy the act of changing in itself. (ie healthier foods, exercise) 

  Why is it that most people know they need to live healthier but don’t?  Because it’s no fun! If you gag  on tofu everyday and kill yourself working out at the gym, do you think you are likely to continue that lifestyle indefinitely? Hell no! That’s why diets are miserable too. Because you are trying to do too much to achieve max results.  And let’s be honest, not many people really like living in the extremes. Working out 3 hours a day, eating totally vegan or raw. No way.  The exception being if you like it. That’s the key.  If you love the way working out for 3 hours feels, Go for it! If you feel like you’ve been run over afterwords? Don’t do it!

   Here’s the secret. You have to find a way to be healthier that makes you happy. When you are happy all sorts of wonderful magical things happen.  Most of the chemical reactions I can’t explain, but when you are unhappy or stressed you release more cortisol, which makes you fat.  When you’re happy you get all those wonderful endorphins that for me at least, made it so I could stop taking the antidepressants I had been on for 14 years.

   So go try everything. The best exercise is the one you enjoy. Finding an exercise that burns alot of calories but you hate to do is counter-productive because if you hate it, you won’t do it.  Then you’ll be burning 0 calories.  So forget about maximizing the calories burned for a minute and find something that gets you moving that you like! For me it’s running and Zumba.  I have no coordination, but a love for music and it gets me moving.  It makes me want to exercise. Gasp! I never thought I’d want to exercise. But I like spending time doing things that make me happy.

   Follow the logic? Need to spend time exercising —-> Find exercise you enjoy —-> Doing things you enjoy makes you happy—–> So now exercising makes you happy.

Never thought you’d be saying that huh?

Next time we will look at the other half of the equation, what to eat.